There's definitely something I've realized during this weird post-coll life of mine, and that's that I'm sometimes a big wuss. Do you feel that, too? Or is it just me? Oh, you didn't mean that.
Maybe it's because, up until graduation, I had always had a set goal or achievement for which to strive. Or maybe not and I should just stop rambling.
Anyway, though I feel like I'm finally coming out of this abysmal state, there are still moments where I just feel shaken. I feel like the core of my being is jeopardized when I discover/realize something new about myself that scares the shit out of me.
Yesterday this happened at Bikram yoga.
BTW, Bikram yoga is like this suped-up, LA, powershake version of yoga--which may or may not completely contradict the idea of yoga itself. It was invented by a master yogi, C. Bikram, who thinks (yes, he's still alive, lives in LA and teaches the Hollywood elite his practice) that we Westerners need a little more spice in our paid relaxation sessions.
That "spice" is in the form of a 120-degree room.
I'm not going to go into much detail, but yesterday I fell out of my Bikram session. Granted, it was only the second time I've ever attended, but everytime I moved a muscle I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn't hold my arms up anymore in whatthehellasana.
Also, my face felt on the verge of exploding.
And then, it did explode!
Crying, I rolled up my mat and tried to leave the room without stepping on any of the sweaty bodies between me and the fresh, cool air of wussdom.
It's kind of funny to me today that I broke down in a yoga session. But at the time, it really shook me. I just couldn't do it and my body was laughing at me.
"Look at you, you wuss. You used to run 80 miles a week. You used to go to UNC soccer camp in the sweltering NC heat. You used to have a strong mind and you used to believe in yourself. Ha."
Now, I know yoga is about not competing, not pressuring yourself and, in fact, these ideas were not what was going on in my mind-a-roo. What was going through my mind was the fact that I was hit with the cold, hard truth about my current life. Right there in a room of sweaty people in Tree Pose.
What that truth was is that I'm not who I used to be--mentally, physically, vegetarianally. I know I've had a rough-and-tumble kind of past two years, marked by new physical limitations and slips of meat eating. Also self-doubt, confusion, occupational frustration and automotive transmission.
But yesterday I came to terms with all that. I accepted it all for what it was and cried like the little baby I've become.
Then I went ahead and bought a membership pass, cause I'm going to kick ass at next week's session, bitches!