the irony of drinking

In one of these stories, I get rewarded for drinking. In the other, I get punished for not.

-Wednesday night I was out at a dance club until 2:30 or so. I hailed a cab to take back home since it was kinda far and I was, well, really really drunk. Once in the cab I decided/realized that I was also really really hungry so I asked the cabbie if he could please drive up 18th Street, since that is where all of the late-night food spots are. Also, in my mind, I never really thought that asking cabbies to stop so you can get food is kind of not really allowed.
So we're driving up 18th St. and I'm like "hey, can you please stop at this place?" referring to Amsterdam Falafel Shop. He stops and I get out but see that AFS has closed for the night. So I get back in the cab and say "well it's closed. But there's pizza right up there..." pointing to the Jumbo Slice half a block up.
Looking back on it, I didn't really even think to myself, "this guy's job isn't to drive me around looking for food." I just assumed he was cool with it, yo.
Well we pull up to Jumbo Slice and I get out and go in but lo! and behold, they just ran out of pizza. WTF.
So I get back in the cab and tell the cabbie--Ali, to be exact--that they ran out of pizza! I then go, "but there's another place right there" pointing to two doors down to another version of Jumbo Slice. I also ask him if he wants some pizza as well.
We ride the 4 seconds further to the second pizza place...lol, kind of ridiculous I realize now...and I went in and bought a piece cut in half (still enough to feed a family of 5). Got back in the cab and then Ali and I ate the pizza outside of my building.
We also talked about Pakistan for about half an hour.

At the end of this all, I got kind of nervous when I realized I still had to pay the guy. What with all those stops and all, I was dreading a $30 cab fare.
"So, how much do I owe you?"
"Nothing." he says.
Rock on!

-Last night after work my bosses took us all out for a couple of drinks. They are nice, huh?
After a beer or two I left (I had to show my apartment). The rest of the evening was pretty chill---I just went over to Brad's to watch the hurricane coverage (I don't get TV so I hadn't seen any of the news really yet). I was there till, oh, 11. I fiddled around back at my place for another hour then went to bed.
Well this morning I was just really tired. I tried to get out of bed but it just wasn't happening for me. I slept until 8:30--the time I'm supposed to be at work--and called in and said I was running late.
I got to work about 9:30 and did the whole silent-serious thing because I hate being late and feel really really guilty whenever I am.
My co-worker, Nick, comes up to me and says, "James and Steve want to see you upstairs. They weren't too happy about you being late."
Of course my stomach drops. Like I said, I already feel bad and now I'm really nervous.
I went upstairs, into James' office, and started to apologize. He interrupts me and says "well, where were you last night?" Steve says "yeah. What did you do when you left Caddie's?"
"Well, I went home, cleaned and watched the hurricane coverage."
Steve says, "why don't you just tell us the truth?"
"I am."
"Sure" they both reply.
James then says, "well, we've had to give this a lot of thought."
Steve: "Emilie, this is the third time that you've come in either late or not at all after we go out after work."
James: "It's just not acceptable anymore."
There was a moment of silence in which I didn't really know what to say back.

James then goes, "In response to your behavior" [takes out large cardboard thing] "you have to wear THIS until we tell you to take it off:"


So now I'm wearing this falsely-accusatory sign around my neck.


Ren said...

This is like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which you wouldn't know if you don't get it, but suffice it to say... funny.

You're like a female Larry David here. :P

Sarah Annie said...

You should rewrite "The Scarlet Letter" for present day...except, in the book, Hester really does commit adultery...come up with your own adaptation. I'm out of ideas.

withknivesout said...

and where is the picture of this? come on!